The Funny Papers

Bill Bramhall, Dennis Goris, Rick McKee, Daniel Boris, Michael de Adder, Clay Bennett, Gary Huck, Chris Britt, Max Espinoza, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Pedro X Molina,

Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me why I don’t have any self-control I remind them that I have cooked for people I should have poisoned so, yes, I do have self-control

… that I’ve just come to realize that I swing both ways … but violently, and with a bat; come at me motherfuckers

… that I learned that I have reached the age where I don’t make eye contact with people because they look like a “talker”

… that I always tell people, “It doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful because at the end of the day it’s evening.”

… that when a  co-worker asked why I used F-bombs so much I replied, “What the fuck is an F-bomb?” Seriously, these kids and their lingo.

… that some really attractive people are called “eye candy” but most of y’all are just “eye okra.”

… that people need to learn that canceling plans is okay, and making coffee just for yourself is okay, and  plotting revenge on your enemies is okay and drinking coffee out of the skulls of your enemies is okay. It’s called self-care.

… that while I naturally look mad people don’t understand that it’s just my default face settings.

… that people need to know that I only accept cash apologies because it’s called accountability and it needs to go in to my account.

… that if I had the chance to meet many people again, I’d block them from day one.

I Didn't Say It ...

Elena Kagan, US Supreme Court Justice on the ruling regarding the Voting Rights Act:

“The Voting Rights Act … was born of the literal blood of Union soldiers and civil rights marchers. In ushered in awe-inspiring change, bringing this Nation closer to fulfilling the ideals of democracy and racial equality. And it has been repeatedly, and overwhelmingly, reauthorized by the people’s representatives in Congress … I dissent, then, from this latest chapter in the majority’s now completed demolition of the Voting Rights Act.”

How simple is this: make voting easier and fair for all Americans regardless of color or gender or age or sexual orientation.

Voting by anyone eligible to vote should be the easiest fucking thing to do.

photo

Rick Wilson, political strategist, pundit and author, on Cankles’ newest push for the ballroom:

“As America’s economy teeters on the brink due to [his] insane tariffs, calamitous war with Iran, and his deeply incompetent Administration, I think I speak for the majority of Americans when I say FUCK YOUR BALLROOM.”

Seriously,  this is akin to Marie Antoinette and her “let them eat cake” remark. Americans can’t afford food or gas or healthcare or energy bills and this regime wants to build a $300 million ballroom because a diaper-wearing, racist, rapist, predator, con artist has a fragile ego?

Fuck that.

photo

Don Lemon, journalist best known for being a host on CNN, on the right pushing the idea that dangerous political rhetoric is coming from the left:

“I cannot say with a straight face that Democrats saying [Cankles] is terrible for this country is the same thing as [Cankles] standing in front of a crowd on January 6th and telling them to march to the capitol and fight like hell. I cannot say those things are equivalent because they are not. I am so sick of false equivalence. It drives me fucking crazy because that is bullshit. Because these things are not equivalent.”

No one on the left has celebrated the death of other politicians or celebrities; no one on the left has mocked the disabled in front of a crowd; no one on the left has called for destroying an entire civilization.

All we are saying is, ahem, FUCK TRUMP.:

photo

Jimmy Kimmel, responding to Melanie and Cankles ‘ calling for him to  be fired … again:

“It was five days ago. It was a pretend roast. I said, ‘Our First Lady, [Melanie’s] here. Look at her, so beautiful. [Melanie] you have a glow like an expectant widow’—which was obviously a joke about their age difference and the look of joy we see on her face every time they’re together. It was a very light roast joke about that fact that he’s almost 80 and she’s younger than I am [Melanie is 56]. It was not, by any stretch of the definition, a call to assassination. And they know that.”

Melanie is still riding the wave of bad reviews from her “documentary” and bad reviews from her incredibly awkward White House press conference on Epstein and now her idiotic tone-deaf reaction to a joke from BEFORE Correspondent’s Dinner.

Take a seat Melanie; why not put your architecture degree … hold for laughter … to good use and design and build a changing station for Cankles’ “accidents; that’s needed more than any ballroom.

photo

Melanie Stansbury, Democrat Representative for New Mexico, on the irony of King Charles reminding us of democracy:

“Imagine getting in a time machine and going back to 1776 and telling the Founding Fathers that the King would be one day reminding America about the importance of democracy and our checks and balances. That is the timeline we’re living in.”

The King has to remind a US president what America was founded on and stands for because the president is a drug addled narcissist.

photo

Bobservations

This Tale of Tuxedo is from June 2009 and entitled The Tuesday Tuxedo:

I loves me some Tuxedo.

We rescued him from life as a blood donor in an animal hospital in Miami. They said he was mean; unadoptable....is that a word? Nothing but trouble. And he was, for the first few days.

Now, four years later he's a loving cat who follows you around the house, sits in the kitchen when you cook, and plays catch the reflection in the bathroom before we go to bed.

He's my boy. I call him 'My boy' just to irk Carlos, and it does.

But anyway, enough of the love story between me and el gato. What I wanted to point out was how he sits at the top of the chair in our home office; his hind claws dug in for support and his front legs dangling down either side.

Cute. Right?

Not so much. He sits like that because he was declawed by a veterinarian who thought it might make him a better candidate for adoption. You know, less mean and aggressive. So they cut off his fingers; cat's claws are not like our fingernails, they are like our fingers. Cats use them to scratch and groom themselves, to pick up things, to play with things, and for protection. Cutting off his fingers wasn't a good idea. It didn't make him less aggressive, it made him more aggressive because now he has only his back feet and claws to use as a defense.

So, if you have a cat or want a cat, don't, don't, let anyone talk you into cutting off their fingers. If you want to declaw a cat because you have a leather sofa, or pretty velvet drapes, then either get rid of the cat or get rid of the couch and drapes. Or do like Carlos and I have done, train your cats not to claw the furniture. Because even though they don't show it, they are listening.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

When bullets fly where old powerful white men gather, suddenly a ballroom is a necessary solution but when school kids are targeted those same old powerful white men are speechless. 

Ernie Dosio, a millionaire big game hunter was out shooting yellow-backed duiker, a species of antelope, in Gabon when he and his guide surprised five female elephants with a calf in the Lope-Okanda rainforest.

He was trampled to death by that herd of elephants; the guide was left severely injured in the attack.

Sorry, not sorry.

Instead of going after Comey for a photo of seashells, they should be investigating the current President for threatening to kill an entire civilization.

PS 86 is a restaurant term for being out of something—86 soup means you’re out of soup—it has never meant kill.

Former Friends star Lisa Kudrow has revealed what kind of residuals the stars are earning now, twenty years after the show ended its run.

Sidenote: the cast renegotiated their contracts after the first year as a team so they would all be paid the same amount of money and each received $1 million an episode.

Now, as the show thrives in reruns each Friend still collects a whopping $20 million a year in residuals.

I knew I should have gotten the part on that show when I auditioned, but they went with Aniston instead!

Bobby Kennedy shared a screenshot of his father, RFK Jr.’s message after the “shooting” over the weekend; Bobby wrote:

"Pops you OK"

RFK Jr.'s current wife, actor Cheryl Hines, responded:

"Yes! Was crazy! Bobby’s security team came in so fast & took us out of the building. They were lifting me over chairs!"

When RFK Jr. finally responded, he gave his status:

"im really hungry"

Doesn’t sound so dangerous after all.

Luc Defont-Saviard is a prominent French fashion model recognized for his work with top luxury brands and international fashion houses and who lives in Nice, France; Nice is nice so Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Transformed 5-Floor Brooklyn Townhouse

This 20-foot-wide 1880 brownstone sits at the end of a tree-lined block in Brooklyn, opening to soaring ceilings and miles of antique wood detailing. Wood and steel collaborate to maintain its period allure while adding new, highly functional bathrooms and a dug-out basement gym.

The designers brought in custom walnut millwork, bespoke British radiators, Fireclay tile and bold wallpapers to create a bold, bright new version of the old.  The living room features original millwork, mile high ceilings and custom cabinetry. Next is the dining room with its own fireplace and bold wallpaper and windows that look out over the back garden.

Down one level is the chef’s kitchen that opens onto a deep wildflower garden and features Reform cabinetry, a custom concrete island and terrazzo counters. Off the kitchen is a family room with herringbone wood floors and a splash of color. Go down to the dugout basement for the gym and bathroom with its radiant-heated floors

The full-floor primary suite has its own fireplace and walk-through dressing room, plus an elaborate en suite bath; upstairs is an office space and two additional bedrooms that share a bath.

It’s a home filled with the original, historic details, but with modern twists in design and color and can be yours for just $2.95 M.

As always click to emBIGGERate ...

The Spaces

Meme Dump: All Fakery